The Fates and their Games.....

Today I became painfully aware that my son and his wretched girlfriend have been lying to me Since February 19th of this year (interesting how face book "dates & time stamps" everything).

That the girlfriend connived with him to lie to me, openly admitting it was her idea to do the lying to begin with, makes me sick to my stomach.

That they both pretended this was something that just recently was happening, lying to cover a lie so to speak,  tells me of their worthless character.

That it was something so horrendous as to put myself and his sister in danger by being in contact with these people in Las Vegas, is unconscionable.  

To find out at great length of investigation the multitude of people involved with telling my son this was all ok and a good idea to boot, Has had me heaving for the last several hours.

To find that some of these people were of those I once called friend, well I guess MY judgement of the term friend could be in question.

And finally, for the wayward boy to think that he had gotten away with it, that mom was never gonna find out....... Wow, after 18 years he never new me and, I never knew him. Ever.

Needless to say, my phone, email, and face book lists took a "by-goddess-have-mercy" shredding today.  I think there's like 12 people left?  Yea, I so got gut-shot today.

Here's one up for the kid, I guess he sure knows how to give his mom a birthday present.  The kind of pain that can eat a person alive and last a lifetime.

ok, (what an awkward term:  ok) yea, I'm ok....I'm not good, but kalonapin can make a person ok, at least to get through the hardest shock of it all.

Pills.  I could say "I don't need these stupid things"  but then, "I" would be lying to "me".  And we can't have that with all the others lying to me left and right.

My thoughts are garbled and incoherent, but they are mine so they can be that way for now.  Just for now as i try to process this hurt.  I look at it from the outside

It hurts my chest, my head (headache behind the eyes), it feels like physical pain.  Like someone getting cut and gashed by invisible knives.  I can feel the cuts, but i don't see them.

Someone dear to me said "it's ok to cry".
But the tears don't fall.