The Fates and their Games.....

Today I became painfully aware that my son and his wretched girlfriend have been lying to me Since February 19th of this year (interesting how face book "dates & time stamps" everything).

That the girlfriend connived with him to lie to me, openly admitting it was her idea to do the lying to begin with, makes me sick to my stomach.

That they both pretended this was something that just recently was happening, lying to cover a lie so to speak,  tells me of their worthless character.

That it was something so horrendous as to put myself and his sister in danger by being in contact with these people in Las Vegas, is unconscionable.  

To find out at great length of investigation the multitude of people involved with telling my son this was all ok and a good idea to boot, Has had me heaving for the last several hours.

To find that some of these people were of those I once called friend, well I guess MY judgement of the term friend could be in question.

And finally, for the wayward boy to think that he had gotten away with it, that mom was never gonna find out....... Wow, after 18 years he never new me and, I never knew him. Ever.

Needless to say, my phone, email, and face book lists took a "by-goddess-have-mercy" shredding today.  I think there's like 12 people left?  Yea, I so got gut-shot today.

Here's one up for the kid, I guess he sure knows how to give his mom a birthday present.  The kind of pain that can eat a person alive and last a lifetime.

ok, (what an awkward term:  ok) yea, I'm ok....I'm not good, but kalonapin can make a person ok, at least to get through the hardest shock of it all.

Pills.  I could say "I don't need these stupid things"  but then, "I" would be lying to "me".  And we can't have that with all the others lying to me left and right.

My thoughts are garbled and incoherent, but they are mine so they can be that way for now.  Just for now as i try to process this hurt.  I look at it from the outside

It hurts my chest, my head (headache behind the eyes), it feels like physical pain.  Like someone getting cut and gashed by invisible knives.  I can feel the cuts, but i don't see them.

Someone dear to me said "it's ok to cry".
But the tears don't fall.

Moving is SOOOOOOOOO Much Fun!

Howdy folks!  Been a long time coming, me getting back here.  So here's the official update.  We have moved into the RV and cut our bills from $1100.00 a month (not including food) to a minimal $450.00 a month (and this includes food!)  YEA!!!!!  tis a bit snug, but it sure is nice on the pocket!  Anyhow, its been rainy and dreary, so i've snuggled down in the blankets ready to read a nice detectives novel (Det. Eve Dallas... she is amazing!) while listening to the rain fall.  It has become cooler here, fall has hit.  Yesterday 92.... today 62 .... and the Sumac Trees have red leaves instead of green.  We are looking about for a larger camper, something like what my friends Jamie and Val have, that would be perfect for us.  So, if any of you have any ideas where we could get a fairly inexpensive one, i'd love to here.  ok, so, back to Detective Dallas! TA!

18=Adult? Not quite....

"So your 19?  ....(yes)....Wow."
" And you think its a good idea to try and date my 16 year old daughter? ...(sure).... Wow." "And what would posses you to think it's okay? ....(she's mature enough).... Wow"
" SHE is a MINOR, do you have any idea what that means?...(she's not 18?)... Wow"
(you sure do say wow a lot .... so its all cool, right?)....."Wow"


And then I shut the door in his face.


He called the police because he felt threatened.  They actually came to my door.  After a short conversation with them that consisted of  my saying, and i quote "You mean to tell me that you actually showed up at my door for this bullshit, and yet when i called for your help about 5 months ago, you couldn't help me?  And I told the moron officer to go away and proceeded to calmly close the door in his face.  Guess he got the point.  He didn't knock again and the little "boy who thinks he's a man" never came back either.


Yes, I truly did just have this conversation.  Can i just pull my hair out now?  


Worse yet, the man in my life simply stood there, looking at me like i was nuts, and looking to the officers like he was sorry for "My" behavior.  I was looked at like that for 10 years.  Some of you have had an unfortunate up-close and personal experience with my ex; so you all know what I'm referring to.


So now i'm kinda numb.  kinda hurt. kinda confused.

Wow...I figured out how to get back in here!!!! Somehow the email addy was messed up, my password long gone, my sign-in name was beyond my current memory, and yet, here i am!!! WOOOO-Hooo!!!!!! Now, off to fix all those things white i'm in here

TA!

Been Camping.....

Hello All.  I have been out of the loop so to speak for about 2 months as I have been camping in the woods!  Different woods from time to time, but deep in the forests of Mother Earth none the less.  I have studied, meditated, learned, felt inner peace, and stayed out of the mundane world as much as I   could.

I have found that their is little that I truly need to be happy.  A roof over my head, food & water, quiet, and an adequate bathroom have done wonders for my soul!  

It seems at times that we go through life having a "need" for "things".  As a matter of fact, I have an entire house FULL of things.  As I have come home, I've taken a good look at all the "things" I have and, I have to wonder.  What am I doing with all this CRAP?!?

I have to spend time Cleaning it, moving it, dusting it, storing it, and mostly it's in the darn way!  So, in order to bring home and keep this simple peace that I have, I have decided to clear out the majority of this stuff that I haven't used in more than 6 years.

I figure I can send things to different folks who like some of them, throw out what is broken, used, or just in general disrepair, and donate the rest to the neighborhood thrift store.

Also, I have found a wonderful spot to permanently  park my camper, so I have been fixing up my campsite.  I got a set of those cute awning lights, martini glasses of all things.  Put down a 12x14 indoor/outdoor green carpet edged with beautiful belgium stones.  Even stoned and edged the fire-pit so it looks nice.

It's turned into what I call my "Little House" where i can go and have peace whenever I need to back in nature, and still be only about 20 min from home.  And a perk?... it's only 20 feet long and I can clean it from top to bottom in less that 30 minutes!  Oh, and it has it's own flushy!  No more porta-johns!  Woo-Hoo!  Yes, I am hooked up to power, water, sewer, my internet is portable through verizon, and they have a swimming & fishing pond, as well as putt-putt, and a tiny store for the necessities.  It is very cheap to "live" here, all the above are included for a lower price per month than my weekly grocery bill!

I decided to slow down the traveling as I am a bit creaky after having had multiple surgeries.  I will still visit by car to the homes of my beloved friends... most of whom live out of state.  Those visits I will be arranging for September and October.

But for now, I am still camping.  Swimming and studying in the day, having my fires in the evening, roasting marshmallows, and simply enjoying myself!  

Take Care my Luvs!

New Meds and Great Moods!

2 weeks ago I went to see the Dr./Counselor for this problem I have been having with anxiety/depression since my accident in 2006.  I have been taking Kalonapin for about 6 months now prescribed by my norman every day GP.  Well, Mrs. Counselor did all her tests and such and tells me "Kiddo, you've been taking the wrong stuff!  Sure it worked for most of what's going on, but not for all of it and that is why you haven't felt quite right in some time."  So, she switched my meds to Zoloft.....takes some time to work into the system, but after 2 weeks I can sure tell a difference!  Feel better than ever!  So here's to the good Dr.'s & Counselors of our times... And here's to getting the right meds to take care of all the problems and not just a hit and miss!  TA!

Spreading Happiness

Recently I have "been through the Mill" 

and have come to a simple conclusion:  

Life is entirely to short to worry myself into a recluse over things that really don't matter in the grand scheme of things.

The two things that truly matter are:

LOVE & HAPPINESS

Every morning when I wake up

Before I even get out of bed

I think of at least 5 things that I am greatful for.

My mood doesn't have to be the best for the day,

but I still find those 5 things.

For the past few days now, I have spread happiness wherever I may go.

Sometimes a simple smile or wave to a perfect stranger has them smiling back when they originally had a scowl on their face.

A kind word when someone is dreary can make the difference in the rest of someone's day.

An offer of help, or assistance, like grabbing a runaway grocery cart in the wind we have been having recently as a mother struggles to hold onto a toddler, can make a stressful situation diffuse itself before anger sets in.

Letting go of small things that can seem so stressful, letting it slide off of you, keeping that smile on your face and in your heart, eases tensions you may not of known you were carting around with you.

Medical science will show you that less stress on the mind can equal less stress on the heart and other parts of the human body, thus helping the body to heal faster.

None of this means that all your troubles will instantly disappear.  However, from personal experience, I can tell you that it does help you deal with those troubles with a clear mind, an open heart, and a softness of soul we rarely remember exists.

So however small you think it may be, find your happiness.  Even if it's for a moment.  Find it again later in the day or the even the next day, but find it.  The more often you do, the more often it will be there without having to search for it.

Know that you are loved, the powers that be never really leave us, and always have us in their hearts.  Have a good evening, sleep well, and as you drift off, find your happiness and let it be the last thing running through your mind before you drift off to sleep.  You may be surprised to find it their when you first wake.  And when you do, hold onto it for as long as you can.  

It will be worth it!       I promise!